"Blemishes heal, but it's harder to heal the soul"

Retrieved from: Morgunblaðið 19.05.2013. Article author Egill Ólafsson

Hjördís never went to the police even though she had been living with domestic violence for years.

“Bruises heal, but it’s harder to heal the soul,” says Hjördís Guðlaugsdóttir, a preschool teacher who experienced domestic violence for nine years. She says it’s incredibly important for those who experience violence to seek help, even if it’s been a long time since the violence stopped.

Hjördís never went to the police, even though she had been living with domestic violence for years. "I don't really know what kept me from going to the police. Of course, I was in denial for a long time that I was experiencing violence. This can be explained to some extent by shame and isolation, but I lived abroad for most of my life. Later on, fear also played a role. I was simply afraid to go to the police."

Why were you afraid to go to the police?

"I was afraid that if he found out I had gone to the police, he would do something very serious to me. Then I was afraid of prejudice from the police. I was a 'foreigner' in the country I lived in."

Denial and shame

Did you try to hide what was happening inside the home?

"Yes, I kept it very secret. It was easy to keep it a secret from my family, partly because I lived abroad most of the time. I also kept it a secret from friends out there. Some suspected something was going on, but not that the situation was this bad."

Didn't your friends bother you then?

"People told me that help was available if I wanted to accept it, and people told me in a low voice that the man's behavior was not normal."

What kind of shock is it for a person to be beaten by someone they care about?

"It's a huge shock. You also quickly go into denial. I told myself that it simply couldn't be that I was experiencing this and I must have misinterpreted something; I must have gotten caught in the middle and the blow wasn't meant for me."

"Then you also feel shame for letting this happen. I myself had such negative views of victims of violence. The shame is also related to not having made the right choice, i.e. that I should have been able to see that the man was like this."

Yet you didn't make the decision to end the relationship.

"No, I was in this vicious circle that many people experience. Before this physical abuse started, it had already broken me down mentally. It must be kept in mind that I never had much self-esteem. I was bullied as a child and it marked my life. So I was vulnerable when the mental abuse started."

"One of the reasons I didn't leave him was because I wanted to be his savior. I wanted to be the one to turn him around and make him a good man."

Believed that the situation would improve

Have you been holding out hope for a long time that things would get better?

"Yes, I held on to that hope, especially during the last 2-3 years of our relationship, when the violence was at its worst."

Was the violence strongly related to alcohol consumption?

"The emotional abuse was there from the beginning of our relationship, although I may not have realized it until later. The physical abuse was initially related to alcohol consumption. 2-3 years later, he began to use physical violence even though he was not under the influence of alcohol."

"Were we married to the same man?"

It is sometimes said that domestic violence is not necessarily caused by a momentary passion, but rather that the violence is organized. What do you think about that?

"I mean, this is not a momentary lapse, although there is always an excuse for the abuser. There is always a certain process that goes on. They also always find some way to use violence and always find ways to go further and further."

I have spoken to many victims of violence and you often hear the same stories. People even say to me: “Were we married to the same man?” This is because the process is so similar. It starts with emotional abuse and then physical and sometimes sexual abuse follows. There are also often similar things that trigger violence. Everything you say and do is wrong. It could be that one day he was angry because the stack of newspapers on the table was facing the wrong way. Then you fix it according to his wishes, but the next day he is angry because the stack of newspapers was facing the other way. So you never knew how to behave because he was always changing his mind. I think that was also part of breaking me down.”

Constantly degrading comments

Did you find the mental abuse worse than the physical?

"Yes, the bruises heal, but it's harder to heal the soul. There are scars that remain for a long time. Even though I've worked very hard on myself and it's been many years since I left this relationship, sometimes unpleasant memories come flooding back to me. There may be some words or body postures that trigger this. These are consequences of the mental abuse."

What exactly do you mean when you talk about emotional abuse?

"Emotional abuse takes many forms. For example, we went to a dance once and a man asked me to dance. When I came back, my ex said to me laughing, "He's taken pity on you and decided to dance with a fool like you."

He went out of his way to belittle me. He called me stupid and often said that no other man would look at me, that I was crazy and that I could never get through life alone. So these were constant, demeaning comments.”

Did this contribute to your not trusting yourself to end the relationship?

"Yes, the mental breakdown prevents you from leaving. You absolutely believe that you are impossible, as he had been saying."

I don't think I would have been in this relationship for so long if I had lived at home, closer to the support network. Fear also held me in its grip. When you're in the grip of fear, you don't see the possibilities. You only see what's right in front of you, and sometimes you underestimate the situation."

I was afraid he would kill me.

You ultimately decided to end the relationship. How did that go?

"At that time, I was stuck in an apartment outside that I couldn't get out of until after three months. This time was very difficult. He tried to break me down even more so that I wouldn't leave. Yet he thought he was helpful, for example with dividing the estate."

Did you receive any support during this time?

"No, but it helped that I felt a great sense of relief that I had finally made this decision. I was determined not to back down from it, even though doubts certainly appeared every day. I wanted to live. I was simply afraid that he would kill me, and I wanted to live, despite everything."

Did it take you a long time to process this life experience?

"It took me a long time to start working on my issues. It took me a year to move back to Iceland and then 3-4 years passed before I started properly working on myself. During this time, I read self-help books and brochures from the Women's Shelter, but I threw them away and thought to myself that this didn't apply to me."

The wound needs to be punctured so it can finally heal.

Where did you look for help?

"Originally I went to Stígamót for individual therapy and group work. Then I went to interviews at the Women's Shelter and I used friends and relatives. The best help was from a good friend who had been through similar things. We talked a lot. This kind of reflection on experience is so important in the recovery process. Seeing that you are not alone in the experience and that my interpretation of the situation was not as wrong as had been imprinted in me by the abuser."

Was it necessary to do these interviews, this long after the relationship ended?

"Yes, absolutely. I don't think I would have ever recovered as well if I hadn't done this. I 150% recommend that people who have experienced violence, of any kind, seek help to work through the consequences. Such treatment is available at, for example, the Women's Shelter.

"I've seen many examples of people who have experienced violence, if they don't try to process this life experience, it's like an untreated grave ax that continues to cause damage. If it's stabbed in the ax and cleaned out, it can finally start to heal."

Important to repair a broken self-image

It is known that women who have been in an abusive relationship sometimes leave it and enter another similar relationship.

"Yes, you can never be sure that you won't get into a relationship like that again, even if you've worked on your issues. However, I believe that it's primarily a broken identity that makes you more vulnerable to getting into such a relationship again. A broken identity also plays a major role in why it's difficult for you to back out of such a relationship again."

"It's also a fact that abusers, and I mean both men and women, somehow see signs of a broken identity in people and that's where they go. If they see a broken person, they know that it's easier to control them than someone who is stronger."

How do people who have been victims of domestic violence go about trusting people again?

"It can take a long time. It took me a long time, especially because I had a hard time trusting men."

You still ended up having a man.

"Yes, fortunately. I met a wonderful man. I had always run away before if I felt a relationship was getting serious. I was also going to run away from this man after we met, but then my friends took the reins and opened my eyes to the fact that now I had to take the big step. I found it difficult to jump into the deep end again. However, I told myself that you can't win the lottery unless you have a ticket."

In a nutshell:

▪ Research suggests that experiencing violence has a variety of negative effects on people's health. The effects are on both physical and mental health. 

▪ Victims of violence are more likely to abuse alcohol or other drugs and they are also more likely than others to struggle with obesity. 

▪ Suicidal thoughts are about twice as common among those who have experienced violence than among those who have not experienced violence. 

▪ The incidence of depression, anxiety, musculoskeletal problems, and heart and blood pressure problems is higher among victims of violence than among those who have not experienced violence. 

▪ A quantitative study conducted by Hjördís at the University of Teacher Education in 2007 revealed that those who had experienced violence had in 85% of cases listed more than five mental and physical health problems and about a third of them listed more than fifteen, in addition to engaging in self-harming behavior, such as eating disorders, alcohol abuse and drug use.

Support for the Women's Shelter is crucial so that women who have experienced violence can receive counseling, support, and assistance in processing their experiences and rebuilding their lives.