"I was terribly scared"
Content retrieved from: Morgunblaðið 29.05.2013. Article author Egill Ólafsson
"The most serious incident was when he grabbed me by the throat. Then there were clear bruises on my neck. Then I broke down and went to the doctor and got a certificate of injury," the woman says.
"I was so scared," says a woman as she describes what it's like to be beaten for the first time. Her ex-husband was convicted of violence against her. Despite this, she has been pressured to agree to joint custody. She says she doesn't trust him, as the relationship is not on an equal footing after the violence.
"We met when we were out partying together, but I was living abroad at the time. We immediately fell in love and spent a lot of time together. I saw few flaws in him to begin with. My friends and family talked about what a fun and charming man he was."
"Our relationship went well at first after we got married. I was engrossed in my studies and he had a good job. When he lost his job, I noticed that his mood started to get worse. It also started to show jealousy. He would make comments if he thought I was wearing clothes that were too tight or too revealing. If I went out with my friends, I had to explain what we were doing. So it started to show control. I tried to please him to avoid him going into tantrums that could last for days. I responded by making sure I didn't make any "mistakes". I also started to lose confidence and sometimes I started to doubt my own judgment."
"Spiritual violence creeps up on a person"
When did you realize that he had started to abuse you emotionally?
"It all happens very slowly and somehow creeps up on you. It wasn't until my friends pointed out to me that it wasn't normal for my husband to be calling me six times in three hours while I was visiting them that I started to wonder if I was in an unusual situation. At first, I thought these frequent calls were a sign of affection, that he wanted to know that I was safe. It's important to remember that we lived abroad, where the security is not the same as in Iceland.
He started expressing opposition to some of my female friends that he didn't want me to interact with. These were the same friends who had started to point out to me that he was too controlling.
This abuse creeps up on you and in hindsight I have sometimes wondered when it started but I can't pinpoint any one incident. I know that when he physically abused me for the first time he crossed the line, but the mental abuse is harder to define. He also started calling me names when he got angry with me; calling me stupid, telling me to shut up, holding a shameful pen over me as if it was all my fault. He took no responsibility for his actions but blamed me for making him so angry. Then he would often say: "Do you see what you're making me do?"
"At first I was 'just' knocked out"
The emotional abuse increased after I had my children. That's when things really started to get difficult. The tantrums started to get longer and longer. The first time he physically abused me was after I went out to have fun with my friend. He thought I had come home too late. The second time it was because I had forgotten to fax him an important letter. Sometimes he would wake me up in the middle of the night and give me a lecture, and I often had trouble sleeping when I had to go to work or school. One time he threw all my belongings out because I had spent too much time with my friend, but then came out with tears in his eyes when I was about to leave. When I was about to end the relationship, he told me that he might have a serious illness. Sometimes I had to call in sick to work when he refused to take care of the children during my working hours.
When you imagine women being physically abused, for example in movies, they often have broken arms or googly eyes. I was “just” beaten up and there was nothing wrong with me. I knew he shouldn’t have done this, but I still couldn’t connect him to the image I had of an abusive man. He was the good man I was in love with. I also wondered if there was something I had done that could explain his behavior, because in the years before he had seriously damaged my self-confidence.”
"He blamed me for what happened."
How did you feel after being hit?
"I was terribly scared. I experienced hearing myself scream with deep fear like some animal being tortured. Many months passed before he did it again. Then he pushed me against the wall and tore my hair. I was always very preoccupied with whether it showed on me and since there were no bruises or other injuries, somehow I let it go. The time after he let go was also usually a good time, then he first showed remorse and tried to be as good as he could. Bought gifts, cooked for me and took care of the house much more than before.
At the time, I was finishing my studies and didn't think it was the right time to end the relationship. Then I got pregnant and for a while everything got better.
He also had fits of rage, was quiet for maybe 3-4 days and then everything was fine in between. He was going to have a huge outburst, but then everything was fine for 4-5 months afterwards. He felt sorry when he lost control. He apologized and admitted that he had lost control of his temper, but also noted that it was mostly my fault. He put the responsibility for what happened on me.”
"He grabbed me by the throat"
Did you ever talk about him getting help?
"We went to a marriage counselor once. However, he soon came to the conclusion that the counselor was against him and refused to go back."
What kept me going at that time was that I wanted to get home to Iceland. We had talked about moving to Iceland and we agreed to spend a few years in Iceland.
"We were doing well at first after we got home. We both got good jobs, but then he lost his job and then everything went from bad to worse. I found that he got depressed every time he was unemployed, which happened four times while we were living together."
What kept me going at that time was that I wanted to get home to Iceland. We had talked about moving to Iceland and we agreed to spend a few years in Iceland.
"We were doing well at first after we got home. We both got good jobs, but then he lost his job and then everything went from bad to worse. I found that he got depressed every time he was unemployed, which happened four times while we were living together."
Did he physically abuse you at home?
"Yes, the most serious incident was when he choked me. Then there were obvious bruises on my neck. Then I broke down and went to the doctor and got a certificate of injury. I also contacted the police. A month later he attacked me again and I immediately called the police because I was so scared."
It took a lot of courage to call the police and go to the doctor, but I did it because I was scared. If I hadn't done that, he would never have been convicted. Family testimony has little value in a domestic violence case; you have to present hard evidence.”
Convicted of physical violence
Did you immediately file a police report?
"No, I didn't dare. I was afraid he would be so angry. Reykjavík Child Welfare Service called me after I went to the police the second time because my child had been there when my husband laid hands on me. I remember saying to the worker: "Do you need to tell him anything about me calling the police?" At that time, I didn't trust myself to deal with his reaction.
A few weeks later I filed for divorce. By then I had started therapy with a nurse at the Trauma Center. I had realized that I was not doing my children any good by putting them in this situation.
I subsequently filed a complaint against the man for violence, but the indictment issued by the prosecutor was based on police reports and injury certificates that were available at the time. He was convicted, but received a lenient sentence as there were mitigating circumstances and this was his first offense. For me, this was not about him getting a heavy sentence or me getting compensation. I just had to stand up for my rights and my self-respect. I also wanted that if he abused any other women and they called the police, they would have information that he was an abuser.”
How did he react when you filed for divorce?
"He took it badly, but he also apologized to me for what he had done to me. At the time, of course, he was hoping that I would withdraw the complaint."
Never been drunk
Was he ever drunk when he physically abused you?
"No, never. He rarely drinks alcohol and very little if he does have a drink. There is no drug use behind the violence either."
It is often said that women in your position are complicit. Were you complicit?
"Yes, I was. He lost a parent at a young age and had suffered multiple traumas. He often talked about how everyone had abandoned him and made me promise to never abandon him. It was easy for me to feel sorry for him. I am a selfless person and am often ready to help others and often forget to put myself first."
Pressure to accept joint custody
How did you manage to come to an agreement on custody after the divorce?
"Bad. I asked for full custody, but he wouldn't accept it. During the trial, his lawyer once suggested that he agree to give me custody in exchange for more visitation. He refused."
We received a report from a psychologist stating that the difficult relationship between our parents was clearly affecting our children and that they were at risk of developing anxiety or depression. This prompted us to talk about trying to improve our relationship. His lawyer then suggested that we try mediation. I agreed, but I had already made up my mind that I could not agree to joint custody because the relationship was so bad. I am afraid of him and our relationship is and can never be on an equal footing after the violence. There is also so much mistrust. I do not trust what he tells me. He lies very easily.
My lawyer and I were invited to the mediation meeting, which was attended by my ex-husband, his lawyer, a psychologist I had not met before, and the judge. The meeting lasted two hours and there was strong pressure on me to agree to joint custody. The judge pointed out to me that legally there was not much difference between full custody and joint custody when the child was my legal residence. I was also advised that joint custody was best for the children. However, no one mentioned that my ex-husband had been convicted of physical abuse. I rejected joint custody despite this pressure from the judge and psychologist, but reiterated that I was ready to agree to more extensive contact, and I suggested that we go to therapy to improve our relationship with the children in mind. I was then advised that since I did not want to agree to joint custody, there was no basis for a settlement in the case. "So the pressure at the meeting was all on me and not him."
"I was afraid something would break with him"
A psychologist has assessed your parenting skills.
"Yes, and we are both considered very capable parents. He always comes across very well and is easy to impress. He has his good sides. Reports say he is a good companion to the child and is good at playing with it, but I am more of a controlling parent."
Has the time after the divorce been difficult?
"Yes, he has been very difficult. After we separated, he refused to leave the house so I had to leave home. When he did, he refused to hand over the house key, which made it so I didn't dare sleep alone at home. My siblings took turns staying with me. I was so afraid that he would come over one night and hurt me. I was afraid that something would break with him and that he would simply kill me. Of course, my fear was beyond all reason, but it's hard to control how you feel when the pattern of violence had always been escalating and becoming more and more serious."
Nutshell
▪ Over the past six years, an average of 100-110 people have visited the Accident and Emergency Department of Landspítali annually due to violence by a current or former partner.
▪ According to information from Jón HB Snorrason, Deputy Commissioner of Police for the Capital Region Police, less than half of all murder cases in Iceland in recent decades can be traced to domestic violence.
▪ “Violence rarely begins with the man punching the woman. On the contrary, it gradually develops into physical violence and so it can be difficult to see when the boundaries have been crossed. Care can be an expression of love and affection, but when it becomes suffocating control and management, it is violence. Where the boundaries are depends on the individual and it can often be difficult to say until afterwards when the boundaries were crossed.” (From the report “Violence in Close Relationships” by Ingólfr V. Gíslason from 2008)
▪ “Often, a specific change in the couple’s circumstances seems to unleash the physical violence. This could be a move or a change in the man’s labor market status for the worse. It could also be that something happens that the man experiences as humiliating, such as if the woman corrects him in front of others. Many studies also indicate that the woman’s pregnancy can unleash the violence.” (Ingólfur V. Gíslason 2008)
Support for the Women's Shelter enables women to receive counseling, protection, and assistance when they are faced with violence and need to rebuild their lives.
